Seattle Baby

Why I am a Freak: Part 1 of 5,496,823

2006-03-29T12:57:00.000-08:00

Exhibit A: The baby stuff
I have been collecting baby crap for YEARS. Even before we were considering having a baby.

Yes, that's two bassinets, two! What, just in case the baby doesn't like blue!?!?
We're cleaning the basement up, so we can move the office downstairs, and use the room for the nursery. But, ha!, irony! We needed to move all the baby crap I've been collecting! And this isn't all of it. I've got more stashed in a hope chest. Seriously, there has to be a self-help group for this.

Diva thinks all y'all are freaks. There's entirely too much doing and not nearly enough napping going on.

Exhibit B: Announcements
Okay, I am a marketer, so I should be savvy about marketing tactics. Buy this NOW! You must have this! The only way to be cool! But I am not--infact, I'm the biggest sucker when it comes to the newest, coolest, latest thing. (See stroller purchase).
So, in reading the various pregnancy magazines I discovered that I have been lax! That any good person would have sent out "We're Expecting!" cards by now. So now I'm in a panic, because I haven't sent them, and I'm worried about sending them for two major reasons:

Reason #1: Seems like a thinly veiled, desperate cry for PRESENTS! I mean, of course, more desperate than, say, ahem, posting your registry on your blog. Not that I would EVER do that. (Cough).

Reason #2: Seriously, what if the unthinkable happened? Do you then send out "Oh, nevermind" cards? Does Hallmark make those?

So--at this time, I'd like to ask you, dear readers (yes, all three of you), your thoughts. Am I really being a freak about the cards? Or are all the good reasons (celebrate, spread the word, be excited, drive web traffic) good enough? I especially like this design:

Though, I do have the actual picture, maybe I should use that?

Exhibit C: Spanish vs. Chinese
No, this is not a debate about what to have for dinner. Oh no, it is much more ridiculous than that! At this time, at 12 weeks along, when I could be worrying about oh so many things, I am worrying about--what 2nd language our child should learn!!!

Hey! Its important! If they pick it up by 2, its practically native right? And we're operating in a global economy right?!?!? So, yes, this is what I worry about. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go twitch for a while.

Diva understands, because she too is a freak.

I bought the damn stroller....

2006-03-23T20:29:00.000-08:00

...even though I know it will only cause me heartache, knowing what I know, reading what I've read. It will fall apart on me at the most inopportune time--say as far away from home or car as possible...in the pouring down rain...in flip-flops. And I paid WAY too much for it, its a 2003 model for heaven's sake! And EVERYONE knows the 2003 models are the most rife with issues. But, dammit, I love the design and I love the color (pistachio only came in 2003). And I was only going to fret and whine if I didn't at least give it a shot. So, I've committed.

In other news--IKEA apparently means "pressboard" in Swedish. We spent an ongodly amount of money yesterday at IKEA on a wardrobe for Greg. UNGODLY. For pressboard y'all, PRESSBOARD!!!!! Painted white! (White is the new black, or whatever). Oh well, we were there, it was easy, and its done. However, not all the parts were available--so I can't provide a picture for you yet--you'll apparently have to wait a month or so for that. At which time, I will torture you all over again with this same rant, plus explicatives as we set up the stupid thing. And that's a promise.

Get a Job

2006-03-19T19:07:00.000-08:00

So, really, not much going on here at the ranch. Really--if my life were more interesting, I might actually post more. But it is not. It is very boring. Not much really to do around here but gestate anyway.

I am starting the process of looking for a job--I've been on a break from work--long story, maybe I'll outline it someday. But, its time to go back, so I've begun the search--I should be back working by beginning of April. Yay--maybe that will actually provide some excitement for this blog!

I do have a long list of things to do, that, now I'm thinking about it, need to get started before I start working again. Hmmm, definitely post fodder.

So, that's it. I continue to gestate. Oh, and got a facial the other day--was very nice, bought some fancy schmancy products that, knowing me, I will not have the consistency to use, and will revert to using Jergen's on everything. Oh well--so many fabulous body products, so little interest.

Edited to Add: thank you everyone for your comments, links, listing me, etc.! Totally appreciate it, and also, now realize others are watching, so must get this blog in shape! :)

Mea Culpa

2006-03-13T10:23:00.000-08:00

Actually, this post should probably be titled "Mea Pukea." Sorry, sorry, sorry, it has been much too long. Here, be distracted by pretty pictures!

Oooh, ahhh! Now you have forgotten that it has been a MONTH. See, here's the deal, the morning sickness, she has hit me very very hard--think exorcist. Greg thought I was possessed. But then, an angel came to me, and said "Lo, behold the wonder that is Zofran." And it was good, oh so very good.

So, yes, much too sick to even think, let alone actually sit in front of a computer, especially, when the layout of my site alone still makes me want to hurl. So I hem, and haw, and delay. Ugh, what to do with such an ugly site! Oh well.

So, yes, as seen above, went in to the MD, was given the amazing Zofran (well, prescription, the stuff itself costs $25 per pill!), got the ultrasound. Saw tiny little beating heart--fell completely in love. Learned due date will actually be October 13th. A FRIDAY. Became completely freaked out by potential demon spawn.

So, there it is: an update. And, although I don't have energy to spiff up this lame excuse for a site, I do however have time to research the stroller I want. I leave you with a picture. Anyone who knows it will talk me out of it, but I will not be deterred....

Holy God--I'm PREGNANT

2006-02-07T23:33:00.000-08:00

Holy mother of god, I think I'm pregnant. I can't believe it, I just can't. After all the trying, and the giving up and the IUI and drugs. We had put it on hold, were going to wait. AND WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS ANYWAY?!?!?!?

Holy crap, I'm in total shock. I keep thinking--shouldn't I be doing something right now? Like painting a nursery or building a crib or something? I took a prenatal and some folic acid to help feel like I was actually doing SOMETHING. See, so there, am being productive in this pregnancy already.

I had gone to this workout class--one I had done on Saturday, and I might say, kicked its ass. And the ass-kicking was so good, I wanted to do it again, today. But 10 mins into it, I couldn't. Couldn't move, couldn't stop shaking, couldn't. Thought it was the flu, food, tired, fumes from painting, whatever. On a whim, stopped by the drugstore, just in case.

Dude!!! There are two pink lines on that stick!!!

Greg just sat there playing video games all night while I freaked out. Have many more friends to call.

The Miracle of Modern Medicine

2005-08-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

I've decided that the true miracle of modern medicine is that I can go in to my Dr., pout a little, say "I don't feel good" and 20 minutes later be leaving, clutching my own version of Hope In a Bottle in my hot little hands. Usually that phrase is reserved for the Health & Beauty industry ("Reduces Wrinkles!!" "Banishes Cellulite!!" "NOW--With Age Defying Carbon Molecules!!!!") but I've decided that actually? The Pharmaceutical companies have really got this one pegged. The Pain Will Disappear! You'll Climb Mountains, Ford Streams!! Be Free to Achieve All your Goals in Life!! Leap Tall Buildings in a Single Bound!! Ski Down Hills Covered in Yellow Flowers!! ANDBETHEMOSTAMAZINGPERSONEVER--all if you just take this one little pill! Drug-free America my ass.

So, yes, I'm back on the Juice. I tried, really I did. But just couldn't do it. But, at least? These posts will become a little less whiny, lose that slight tinge of hysteria.

Dammit, this sucks.

Yoooouuu are geeeetttting sleeeeeeppppy....

2005-08-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I am any way. Dang it--I had wanted to do some work on the page today, fix that weather thing, make some style sheet changes. But at least wanted to answer my FABULOUS WONDERFUL COMMENTS that people are leaving! And get this short post in for ya. And I'm ticked, because i had this great cute little title, that I can't remember for the life of me. I'm so stinkin' tired--too many early am fertility test appts!!!

So, I got the HSG test done yesterday am. As the comment from yesterday said--OH MY GOD THAT HURTS LIKE A M**TH*R F****R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoely crap I wish I had read that prior!! And I feel horrible--I totally whimped out. I started whimpering, whining, breathing hard (considered some of the breathing techniques in the pregnancy books I've read). I think the doctor didn't do as full an analysis b/c of it. And what really pissed me off is I wish I would have had Greg in there with me. He was there, and when they called me he got up--but they wouldn't let him come in with me--I was okay with it at first, but after the ordeal I WAS PISSED. I would have done much better with him in there. And I just needed him for support. I'm still upset about it.

But, its done and over with. But yes, was very painful. Still some cramping, had one that radiated up to my back, behind my left shoulder blade (read somewhere that could happen, shoulder pain) and still some weird dischargy things. However, they said everything looked fine.

But I don't believe them....

See, when I had the original ultrasound done, they said everything looked fine. "Great" I thought "One down, three to go".

WELL--apparently that was NOT the case. See when I had the HSG done yesterday, I requested the Dr. go over my FSH and Estradiol results with me as well, that they had just recently tested. Well, the FSH is slightly high. I belive the highly scientific, well thought-out term they used was "Gray Zone". Whatever that's supposed to mean.

BUT she said "The FSH level is in keeping with what was found in the ultrasound." Uh.....'scuse me?!?!? I thought the U/S was fine? Apparently not. "The follicular count was a little lower than we like to see as well".

So, there's your results. "Gray Zone". Don't know how to interpret that. I may not, and just go on with trying. We'll see. Once we've done the progesterone, we'll talk with the Dr. to figure out next steps. Anyhoo, off to bed with me.

Testing, testing....

2005-08-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

So, we've officially entered the "Diagnosis and Testing" phase. You're supposed to get pregnant when you stop using birth control. You know--the usual story, sperm meets egg, egg says yes, baby ensues. But each passing cycle has made me realize--we may have a problem Houston. And the woman is usually the first to realize they may have a fertility problem. And usually the husband, and others around them, need convincing that medical intervention, or at least exploration, may be necessary. (Which was totally the case--you should have seen Greg's face when I asked him to do the semen analysis!! And even the consultation, he looks at me like I've lost my mind!) But, the thing is, exploring early, rather than putting it off, can increase the chances for a successful outcome. The earlier a problem is identified, the sooner you can fix it--and we can get on with our lives.

Anyhoo, I started Wednesday. Which means: tests, tests and more tests. And not just of the pee-on-a-stick variety. Though, I've gone down and forked over the monthly investment in LH and PG tests. I also bought a BBT thermometer. The Dr. wants me to track my temperature as well as use the LH/OPK tests, as an additional confirmation of ovulation. Great--so far I've taken three temperature readings, and they're all different--how is that supposed to work!?!? Whatever. But, yes, made the small fortune investment in the usual OTC pharmacy tests. This is getting pricey.

Wed was "Day 1" as they call it, the day which I was supposed to call and schedule my tests.

They want to run three tests this month--its your basic "entry level" infertility exams--apparently for those that aren't ready to commit to a full-blown work-up? I don't know. But this month will include (full details below): an FSH/Estradial test, an HSG and a Pooled Progesterone.

The FSH and Estradiol tests are two hormone tests run from a blood draw early in the cycle, which I went in for on day 2 (Thursday). Apparently, elevated levels of either can indicate poor egg quality/quantity. I was supposed to get the results from that on Friday, but didn't hear...so guess I'll call Monday.

The HSG is a dye test--they inject a dye into your uterus and track it as it travels through the uterus, fallopian tubes and out your tubes into your abdominal cavity. Essentially makes sure there's no blockages, etc. There's a description of it here. Warning: they use the term "frog leg position" (nice) and of course banty about words like "cervix" and "vagina"--not for the faint of heart. But they do have this very cool picture of someone's actual uterus:

Anyhoo--I've been trying to schedule that one for days. It needs to be done early--so it doesn't interfere with conception. I'm freaking out. When I went in on Thursday, they said to call Sunday for a Monday appointment. I called and they couldn't get me in until Tuesday--then they called back and Un-scheduled me, and said they'd call me tomorrow. I'm not happy, not happy at all.

The third test is a Pooled Progesterone test. Pooled because its actually three blood draws, three different days, three different progesterone levels, that are then averaged for one level. Progesterone apparently is supposed to prepare the uterine lining for implantation and support early pregnancy. I have, of course, in all my infinite medical knowledge, determined this is what is actually wrong with me. Well--related to fertility anyway. We won't talk about the rest.

Anyway, I am supposed to call the first day I get my LH surge. That is considered "Day 0" of the "Luteal Phase"--or the last two weeks before your period starts again. You take the three samples on any three days between day 5 and day 9 of the Luteal Phase. So, 5,7,9 or 5,6,8 or whatever.

So, there you have it, the testing schedule. Oh, I realized I never mentioned where I was going--I'm going to Seattle Reproductive Medicine seeing Dr. Lin, whom I like. Apparently he speaks at the local Resolve meetings--very cool. Thinking about checking out a meeting or something of theirs--great topics. Oooh, and a chance to volunteer--Greg will love that. He's never seen a volunteer opportunity he could resist.

In other news--the dog finally stopped puking or whatever it was she was doing. See, we were never around/awake to see the actual act--merely lucky enough to deal with the results. Whatever it was, it was absolutely disgusting. But, it was puzzling, as it was intermittent, some days she was fine, other days, not so great. Finally figured it out--I watched her closely the other day when I let her out to go to the bathroom, I wanted to see a)that she was peeing (so I knew she wasn't too dehydrated) and b) what else was coming out, specifically its state (lovely, can't look forward to doing this with a KID!). Well, instead of going potty, she guiltily meandered over to the shed, casting a few furtive glances back over her shoulder at me. Odd behavior, I thought--she never gives the shed a second look usually. She seemed to be checking something out--so I ambled over for a peek. Lo and behold, there, in all its glory, the bag of lawn fertilizer my precious hubby bought--and not just any lawn fertilizer, but a wonderful, smelly "Safe for Kids and Pets!!!!!!" fish-based fertilizer--who could resist!?!?!? And here was Diva, who had torn open a hole in the bag, and was snacking blissfully away, thinking in her little lab brain "Oh my god, I've found HEAVEN!". Until of course brought back to earth with a sharp butt whack and reprimand (note to self--can I get a sharp butt whack when discovered devouring my favorite Ben & Jerry's?).

Safe for Pets, yes, but perhaps not meant to be ingested by the Mouthful? Just a thought. And, god, no wonder it stank so bad!!! Called Poison Control (we're now on a first name basis--btw, did you know there's a Mister Yuk SONG?!?! I was so excited when I found out, I sang it all day!) Apparently, fertilizers in general aren't actually poisonous--they just cause significant gastrointestinal upset. So THAT'S what it was--gastrointestinal upset--ha, I'd say SERIOUS GASTROINTESTINAL PISSED-OFF-ED-NESS if you ask me!! Gross! She did placate me by saying Labs were their best Canine customers--though she was nicer and said it was because they were so curious. I think I would have maybe chosen different words.

Anyway, thank god that's over. Yuk.

Oh...and um?

2005-07-28T17:23:00.000-07:00

Can I just say, I am HATING these happy shiny smiling faces of all these happily pregnant pretty celebs? HATE HATE SEETHING HATE their cuteness, their happiness, their smiliness, they're pregnantness---ITS NOT FAIR (WAH!!!)

The Trip to the Shrine

2005-07-28T16:04:00.000-07:00

Or, actually--the trip to the Fertility Clinic.

Ok, I absolutely CANNOT believe it has been--wait, lemme check--10 days since I last posted??!?! Uh, where the heck have I been?

BUSY.

You read about the Desparate Housewives marathon. Well, then my lovely husband decided to buy me the Harry Potter books--as I had not read any of them.

The husband MUST DIE. As must Ms. Rowling. I'm very much not happy with the last book's ending. I bawled all night. But I must say--I am thrilled to finally have my life back. It was an OBSESSION. Hellllooooooo--I was stalking my friends house at 11pm waiting for her to find her 5th book to loan to me becuase I had just finished the 4th and absolutely could not survive the night without getting at least halfway through the next one and Fred Meyer didn't have #5, only #6, and oh my god what was I going to doooooooooooo!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

So, needless to say, a hysterical phone call to my friend and her assurance she would be home in under an hour and would be happy to loan me her #5 and am I willing to wait up that late since it will be 11p before she gets home?

Um, yes--yes I can.

Is obsessiveness a sign of pregnancy?

So, as you can see, busy, very very busy.

Oh, yes, I suppose work fell in there somewhere too. Which, due to the obsessions I am way to far behind on.

Oh, and I had a friend in town for the last half of last week. Had a blast--very much white wine was involved. Possibly too much.

And with all the busyness, I realized I hadn't even been reading my favorites, daddytypes and Amalah! How could I possibly forsake them??? Huh? How?? I love them, they renew me, give me strength, hope, side stitches from laughing. And keep me hip to the very coolest in baby gear.

But--to the more exciting news.....I HAVE A COMMENT!!!!!! Can you believe it?!?!? I'm so freaking excited! It makes this whole blogging thing actually worth it! Yipee! She actually said, and I quote "I love reading your blogs!" Thank you girl! :) (uh, more than once a day!?!? Some of us aren't that young anymore, unfortunately!) You have refreshed my desire to continue telling the rest of the world about my ovulation cycle and Greg's semen content. The world, and Greg, thank you.

Speaking of cycle--I am at day 23 of my cycle, about 10 days past ovulation. So, peed on a stick this am. It sat there, glaring back at me, one single angry pink line, defiant in the face of my pleading. "I refuse to become two lines, no matter how much you cross your eyes." Man, not even a blush. What, no hope for a desperate girl? You ungrateful little....oh wait, sorry, inanimate object. Fine, in the garbage you go. Take that you uncooperative stick.

Sigh--oh well, we'll see. I have been a little tired the last couple days. And slightly moody. Had quite the row with Greg--he's been on-purpose stomping my bushes to death and seems offended when I absolutely freak out that HE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS by stomping on the bushes I so lovingly chose and made him plant AND WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING THEM ANYWAY if they're going to get stomped, at which point I forcefully ripped out said stomped on plant and exclaimed for the whole block to hear I CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE. I also promptly reminded him of the great tulip beheading incident of 2003, sobbing that "I never even got to see them bl-BLOOM (waaahh!!)". Boys, they can be so un-understanding.

ANWAY--on to the actual topic of this post (well, its all really all about me anyway, so anything I write about me is technically on-topic) BUT--we went to visit the fertility clinic last week. I couldn't stand it anymore, and besides, apparently after September they're no longer covered by our insurance....so that's of course why we went, simple economics really. Nothing to do with the fact that I'm completely freaking out. Noooo, nothing at all.

And this is one of those doctors that actually gives you homework prior to coming in to see them. And its not a "doctor's appointment" its a "consultation." And oh my god, can we talk about the view from the office, and the doctor's personal office most of all? Of beautiful shining lake Union? And how lavishly furnished the whole place was? And how gorgeous the building was? And I wonder why insurance isn't covering them anymore????

They were all very nice people of course. The doctor reviewed and marked our homework. I think I might have done better than Greg, as my "family health history" had ever so many more answers than his did--he only had answers for two--I had at least 40 or something. I'm such a show-off.

The doctor asked very many, highly personal questions. When he asked about alcohol use, Greg and I had to kind of giggle at each other. I mean, between the 4th of July party, Whidbey Island Raceweek, and my friend in town, well, I swear its been at least the equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. At this proclamation, I thought the doctor was going to pronounce me devil spawn of childless couples, apparently I wasn't taking this wanting a baby thing seriously. At least I swear that's what his look said. Hey! I know many couples that have conceived on a well-intoxicated night. Maybe that's all we've really been needing! So there!

I handed him the notes on Greg's analysis, and apparently they were fine, because he then launched into all the wonderful, exciting ways he will get to torture me instead. Which, apparently, could start TODAY. What?!?! Today!??!?! Dude, I didn't shave for this! Wait, I'm not prepared! Crap!

So, off went we and my unshaven legs to the ultrasound room. I though "sure, I've done ultrasound before, for possible kidney stones, that sort of thing". Well, was I sorely mistaken. Ha! However, my surprise was nothing to the green look my husband got as he sat there and had to watch the very male doctor insert what looked--however scientific, and diagnostic, and highly-technological, and non-sexual it may be--very much like the battery operated toy he keeps threatening to buy me, up into my...ahem...well, inside me. I swear he was going to either pass out or puke. Perhaps both.

His reaction, however, was nothing compared to the absolute fun I was having! Hoo boy! Yessiree! I absolutely love having something--inserted into what is obviously made for vertical alignment--turned horizontal. Yep, that was fun! I swear my entire gastrointestinal tract was shoved up into my throat, my bladder roughly pushed out of the way. It was like taking a stick and just stirring my insides like they were a pot of pasta. Wow, that was fun. Can't wait to do that again!

The doctor of course made it sound like it was all necessary to be able to get "a clear picture of things". Right--sorry, no matter how many times you say it, that fuzzy thing on the monitor does not look anything like the pretty pictures of my uterus I see in all the books. Liar.

Net/net--everything looked fine. At which point he drew some diagrams and wrote some stuff down which I can't read at all--I mean he's a doctor, who can read anything they write?? But, I remember there being blood draws and hormone levels involved, and having to figure out what days to do it in, blah blah blah. Oh, and some sort of dye test. I have to call the first day if my period starts again, obviously meaning I'm not pregnant.

Which leaves me here--waiting for whatever to happen. I love waiting, really. It's my favorite. I mean, really, I'm known for my patience, world reknown. If I ended up waiting the rest of my life, for whatever, if just given the chance to wait, for anything, I'd be the happiest girl in the world. What?!? Too much sarcasm? Oooh, hey, is that a sign of pregnancy too!??!

The Results

2005-07-19T15:47:00.000-07:00

So--I called the fertility clinic yesterday since I hadn't gotten results on Greg's "analysis" yet. They went ahead and read them over the phone to me--but will mail them as well.

Net/net is--he's normal. His concentration is very high (yay little swimmers! :) ), his motility (they can actually SWIM, in the right direction no less) is above normal, and his "morphology" (do they look like Hanford rejects?) is apparently "normal". That last one worries me a bit. He was above normal on everything else--but this one is right at normal. And Greg really hates underachieving.

And OMG--did I just blog all about tghe make up of Greg's sperm?!?!!?!?!? He's gonna kill me!!!

BUT--the whole point is, egads, it might be me. Now I'm worried. The tests are so much more difficult, involved, a pain in the ass--as well as the treatments should anything actually need to be done! Crap, crap! We have an appointment coming up with actual fertility doctors. I'm not sure what'll happen.

But maybe we'll get lucky. Maybe this is the month. Or maybe not, I don't know.

I got a strong positive surge test yesterday, and really strong this morning. But Greg's working today, dammit. I keep trying to get him to leave/get sick, but no go. I'm trying to think--we did it last night, and can do it again tomorrow morning when he gets home. And we did it last before that Sunday am. So, Sunday, Monday, Wed. That's a good start, right? And, I think we'll change it up--keeping doing it for a little while longer than normal. Arg, I really want it to work this time. B/c if it doesn't--I don't know, this is just getting a little wearing!!

Top Three Dangers of Working From Home

2005-07-19T15:41:00.000-07:00

1. If I'm wearing jeans--you should feel honored because I am DRESSED UP, just for you!

2. A single "oh, I'll just watch an episode of Desprate Housewives while I eat this sandwich" turns into a full-on DH marathon until 3A.M.!! Holy LORD what was I thinking??!?!

3. "Working from Home" very quickly degrades into "Working from Bed"

Needless to say, I've hiked my little fanny onto campus, requisitioned myself an office and am actually getting WORK done. I've got to stay away from those damn Harry Potter books!!

I'm sure there's actually more than three dangers, but none that I'm willing to admit at this very moment.

Waiting

2005-07-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

Day 12. No LH surge yet--I think the last surge was either day 12 or 13. But then again, those ovulation kits are really really hard to read. So I don't know. This really sucks. I'm just about ready to give up.

And I never heard from the lab with the analysis results--damn. I knew that was going to be a problem. I had to find a lab that would do it without a doctor's request. Shit--I'll have to call Monday.

This is such a pain in the ass. And I hate waiting--patience is not my strong suit.

This is ridiculous

2005-07-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm looking up a fertility clinic's website. I just can't believe it. I mean, what's wrong with us that we can't perform the basic human function of procreation!?!? Its not supposed to be this hard.

I started yesterday. Was weepy all day. Still kinda am. I'm just so pissed and frustrated. It just can't be this hard!!

Its so embarassing, we can't get this simple thing right. Somehow, I feel like I'm being cheated out of a basic human right.

And I'm totally making a big deal out of nothing. I'm only looking up the fertility clinic to have Greg go in and get tested. Just to be safe. Its really not The End of The World. But, Time is not your friend. And testing for Male Factor infertility is phenomenally easier than testing for female. So, rule out the easy one first. Then, start on me. Though, I don't know if they'll even help us, since it hasn't been that long. This is ridiculous.

Favorite Myths for Why I'm Not Pregnant

2005-07-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

1. "You're Trying Too Hard"
Yeah, that's it! Crap! Why didn't I think of that before?!?! You're right, HAVING SEX EVERYDAY is how to NOT get pregnant! Dang! If only I'd known that in college! Who needs birth control with that much "trying"?

2. "Its your Weight"
RIIIIGGHHT. Me and 90% of the American population. And yet, the papers haven't been shouting AMERICAN POPULATION DECLINING. Hmm, think I'll take a pass on that one.

3. There is no #3, I only had 1 and 2. But #3 I guess could be STOP IT, YOU'RE WORRYING ME. Seriously, I'm really starting to get worried.

According to "them," even in healthy couples there's only a 25% chance each month of getting pregnant. Even with all the correct timing and everything. I would really, really like to know where that 25% number comes from. They keep quoting it, yet no-one ever says why. Maybe its because they're fat nymphos.

So far, in my research, my favorite description of fertility is that it is like a "symphony":

It has different sections - the strings, percussion and horns. Each section must begin to play right on cue for a contada to result.

Not fair making me puke--it gets me excited that I might be pregnant.

Its so frustrating. I'm not allowed to officially panic yet, according to my doctor. She looked me straight in the eye during the colposcopy and said "You know that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you if it doesn't happen these specific three months. I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT."

Yeah, right, I feel so much better now.

No one will touch you apparently unless you've been trying for an entire year. A YEAR y'all!! Right! Seriously, I don't think that's going to work. If we delay pregnancy any longer....well, a year just isn't going to cut it.

And yet, I read this article that people are just going straight to IVF, and with less than a year of trying.

Well, I have a couple more days before I start, so maybe there's still a chance. But I'm not going to hold my breath. Dammit. DAMMIT. Dammit. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. Its not supposed to be this hard. Its not fair! Arg.

Status Update

2005-06-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

Because I've already used "status" and "update" in titles before, I'm sure. Because I'm JUST THAT LAME.

So, no, no dice yet. Granted, I don't start for another five days or so, however, looking bleak. Boobs do hurt, but that's possibly PMS.

Went to the "nunnery" today--gained a half-pound. Great. Yipee. Also another sign that I am possibly quite the opposite of pregnant.

And oh yes, no, you're not hallucinating--changed my layout. In a classically "WTF???" move, couldn't figure out the HTML problem, so just trashed it and started all over. Time for a change anyhoo. And, gee, funny, blogger help never returned my request to review my html. I'm hurt.

Trying to figure out things to jazz it up a bit--web cam shots? Current weather? Cutsy images? Suggestions?

Hey folks, that's what the comments link is for! And its anonymous!!

Eh, well, it was worth a shot.

PS--about cried when Greg read this to me last night. Absolutely hysterical.

Oh? And all my dreams have finally come true--blogger has added an "image" upload option, yay, I can stop hosting them on Flickr, though I kind of liked it. Hmm, might keep it, we'll see if they freak about sizes or something....

Because you're not that lucky

2005-06-27T22:25:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my idea isn't novel (duh, knew that already). But, I will tell you right now--I will never, ever end up being published. I am NOT THAT GOOD. And because you all love me and care about me, you will read my horrible mushily written, non-pithy musings anyway. Because you're Just Not That Lucky to have a friend/relative/sister that can actually WRITE.

If you want decent writing, or heck, to be able to just see comments from others on the writing, visit the blogs listed on the right of this page.

Or get this guys book:

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/lifestyle/229965_baby27.html

I think I'll start leaving myself comments, so I can feel loved.

And btw, what the heck is wrong with my html??!?!?! Don't understand it...so consider this the disclaimer. Sorry.

Abdul pleads with "open heart and selfless agenda" for toughening health standards

2005-06-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

In yet another unabashed abuse of their position of celebrity to further their own political agendas and garner coverage of their own pet projects.

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/tv/aptv_story.asp?category=1401&slug=Safer%20Nail%20Salons&dpfrom=th

Because I'm just that nice. Found it for y'all while looking for the above article, under "Top Headlines"--I think the P-I needs to re-format their algorithm.

the WAIT

2005-06-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

So, I peed on a stick this morning. I peed on a stick Sat morning too. Nothing. Nada. Nope. Zero. Zilch. Not even a blush.

I think I'm going to scream.

I swear--if it doesn't happen this month, I'm going to be PISSED.

I swear, everybody I know is pregnant, can have a kid, has just had a kid, whatever, EXCEPT ME.

I SWEAR!!!

So, if I surged the 20th, that means I probably ovulated 21st or 22nd. If it was the 22nd, I guess that would only put me 5 days past. Well, okay, I guess I'll be a little more patient. But only a little. Hmph.

Oh, and btw--I'm done with the Really Annoying Acronyms. Like DPO, O'd (come on...there's only one O, and ovulation ain't it!), and DH--his name is Greg y'all. GREG.

If you are going to miss them--tough--get over it.

Feel the sURGE

2005-06-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

So, yes, unfortunately, last month was a bust. Is it seriously June 20th already? I can't freaking believe it, and I can't freaking believe I started this in April. Wow.

So, no worries, 'cause the DH and I are armed to the teeth this time around. We're armed and prepared for battle!

So, decided to pick up an OPK this time. That's Ovulation Predictor Kit for you normal, non-preconception-board-lurking, actual life-living people. And, yes, to answer all my wildest fantasies IT TOO is a POAS!!! (pee-on-a-stick, though you should know that from my previous posts, you non-reader you). Yipee! Who knew that, no matter what time of the month it is, there's a stick to pee on--yay!!!

So, I've been, hem, taking the test since Sat am. They're a little hard to read however. But it said, if the line is the same color or darker than the control line, you are a surgin'! So, even if I can barely see the control line--but the indicator line is the same color--I call that a game!

A quick primer--OPKs apparently detect your Lutinizing Hormone. The LH is what triggers ovulation, and it surges right before you ovulate. The package says, if you do the BD within 24-36 hours YOU WILL BECOME PREGNANT. Well, it doesn't say that exactly, but, that's what I'm interpreting it as. Who knew you could project onto an inanimate object?

So, as of this am, I am surging!!! Yay!! Ooh, and we also bought this special lubrication--apparently things like KY and Vaseline inhibit motility--don't need none o' that! So, had the DH stop and buy some PreSeed. Woohoo! Let the good times begin! (note--only b/c apparently, this "on demand" thing is actually getting a little tiring for him! Shock. Wah--welcome to MY world!)

And I thought I'd be done with Chem Lab in College. Sorely mistaken, I was.

Speaking of, egads, I must be off, it is the witching hour! Wish us luck! :)

Fungus Among Us

2005-06-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

Wow--so after reading this article on "Embryo Adoption," what really struck me is, holey crap, those people are from here.

"With another program, to be honest with you, they could have been adopted
by lesbian parents, and I'm totally against that," said Mr. Deacon, 35.

It took two and a half years to bring themselves to fill out the
papers. On their forms, they said the adopting family must be conservative
Christians and, ideally, include a stay-at-home mother.

The Others--they're here. And they've infiltrated--they look just like us, live in our neighborhoods, have our jobs, go to school with our kids. You never know when you might be talking to one of Them.

Awesomely, A Little Pregnant has a fabulous commentary and discussion. At least I know I'm not the only one freaked out. Also has a list of options besides the evil "evangelical eugenic" SnowFlake empire.

Which raises an interesting point....do They get uglier b/c of their association with the Dark Side? Might make 'em easier to spot.

Get thee to a Nunnery

2005-06-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

Or, practically the same thing really. So, I hied my(big, fat ass)self back to Weight Watchers. But this time, I dragged along the DH. That's right--made him go! This was for a couple reasons a) WW teaches very good nutritional information and eating habits and b) I want him to FEEL THE PAIN right along with me! And, heck, he could lose 10lbs, it wouldn't kill him.

Watching him has been hilarious! I should have known, he would glom onto the whole points thing! He loves it--this is the man that relaxes each night by balancing the checkbook. However, no, I do NOT know how many points are in one stinking gummy bear!

At the very least, I need to keep an eye on my weight--I truly want to try to not gain any--I'm 50 lbs overweight, so I don't need to gain any! Apparently, however, this is a VERY controversial topic. Everywhere I read/look its all "now's not the time to worry, take care of your baby, blah blah". In talking to one of my MDs though, he doesn't see anything wrong with actually losing weight, as long as the baby gets its nutrition/what it needs. He, actually though, wants me to postpone and lose the weight first. Yeah, right. No way Jose! I'll suffer and wait.

As much as I want to maintain or lose though, according to my MD, apparently the real problem will be keeping me from eating an entire house. So, my resolve is a little down.

I'm thinking about a nutritionist, thinking about exercise, thinking about asking the OBGyn.

But for now, I'll just keep adding up my points.

Reading....

2005-06-20T21:55:00.000-07:00

So, I promised a review of Fearless Pregnancy. Very cute, but again, not real meaty. However, it got the job done. It really drove home that, hey, millions of people in the world, doing millions of different things, and yet, we're not a world full of crazies. (Actually, wait....) So, I actually do feel better.

Also wanted to review Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn, or as I like to call it How Dare you Poison Your Baby With Pain Meds, you WHIMP. It is really saying something that, I am doing this review without having even finished the book yet--seriously, I've actually read the entire Narnia series as a "break" from this book. Apparently, it is a little co-dependent, I needed a break and can't bring myself to go back.

Now, when I say meaty, this is meaty! My god its thick! And not physically--its truly a lot to read and take in! It goes extremely in-depth into the labor/childbirth portion, and is actually a really good resource for that--I swear at least 400 pages are devoted to labor/birth, the process, positions, etc. alone! But that's not what I'm interested in right now. In addition, this book makes you feel like ONLY WHIMPS must take drugs for childbirth. Written by people from the Childbirth Education Association of Seattle. Aha--there's the problem right there. I was reading something written by liberals. Sheesh!

I'll let you know if I actually finish it. So far, the only thing driving me to finish is getting to the part that talks about drugs. I know--only fools dream...

Read My Lips--No More New Projects

2005-06-20T21:40:00.000-07:00

So, some of you may recall the strange affair of the Phantom of the....oh wait, wrong story.

HOWEVER, you might recall some of my earlier posts ranting about the porch, and how much of a royal PAIN it was! (More Info and Arg...) Well--long overdue here are pictures to prove IT IS DONE!!!!

Before....

After!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yipeee!!! We've had the party, (boy did we ever!) and celebrated privately (went to Met Grill--saw celebrities!). I'm so excited its finally DONE. Just wanted to post and share...since I knew all of you were wondering with baited breath!

The new edict is now "Read My Lips--No More New Projects" to which, I say pshaw. I know me better than that! :)

Loving/Hating

2005-06-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

Loving--the sun and return to normalcy of my daily life. Its been fun, but whew I'm worn out! :)

Hating--don't come knockin' if the house is a rockin'--or shakin' for that matter!!! The whole house is I swear about to fall off its foundation--they're doing something across the street that is making this place vibrate like--well, the house just hasn't seen this much action in a long time, sheesh! I can't wiat until they're done over there. ugh. Parking, dust, noisy machines. It would probably be way cooler if I had a toddler son, but now it is only THAT WHICH ANNOYS.

A Little Sad

2005-06-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

Realized I haven't been on in a while. Amazing what happens when you actually have WORK that needs to be done! :) So, my biggest apologies--several posts to come for you.

Anyhoo, a little sad b/c AF is supposed to visit today. So, I took a PG test last Thursday, and got an extremely extremely faint positive. Seriously, really faint! I had to show my sister to make sure I wasn’t seeing things! And it was the second pee of the day. So, I thought, yay! I’ll double-check tomorrow w/the first pee, and it should be strong!

Well, no such luck. Nothing, nada. That was Friday am. I thought, well, maybe its too early. But ran it again sat and sun am as well—still nothing. And Sunday I double-dipped—I used two tests, each a different brand, just to be sure they weren’t faulty. Nope, still nothing.

And yes, I’m a POAS-addict (that’s Pee On a Stick).

So, I’m a little sad, since it doesn’t look like it took this time. And then some nice person mentioned maybe its b/c of my weight. Gee, thanks.

So, it hasn't started yet, but I'm not holding my breath. I'll keep you posted.

Loving/Hating

2005-05-26T14:55:00.000-07:00

LOVING--the new pair of Canyon River Blues jeans I got from Value Village, for five bucks!!!

Hating--the fact that I'm already 5olbs overweight--and I'm supposed to gain more, possibly another 50?!??! (everyone I've talked to gained about that much). I'm so screwed.

Naming Conventions

2005-05-26T14:39:00.000-07:00

So, as a warm up to the BD last night, the DH brought up the "what should we name the baby?" topic. Talk about foreplay....

Now, this is coming from the man who had no problem naming his child Christopher Robin. After Robin, of Batman and Robin fame. Oh, and he just likes the name Christopher. Nevermind the poor child would be taunted for life about how Pooh Corner is going....that's a great way to ensure consistent bed-wetting issues until, oh, 35.

Oh, and he thought it would be cute to shorten Christopher to Topher or Risto or Ristoph. Yeah, he's fired from naming duties....

So, of course, I have tons of girl names already picked out...gender preference? Me?? NO! They're of course all based on the traditional naming-after-dead-relatives aesthetic, long-dead people that could really care less that we're naming our beloved child after them, which is really some poor misguided attempt at holding on to the miniscule, shredded thread of history that any of us American (I mean U.S.) mongrels can even attempt to grasp on to. (Me? I'm 1/618th English, French, Azerbijjan, and Chinese). And so, we remember the dead to make ourselves feel better--by naming our children after them.

Don't get me wrong, I'll be doing the same darn thing--I mean 1/618th is better than zero! And, there's some good options, especially on the DH's side--well one anyway, Marie--it seems all good Swiss ladies are named Marie (pronounced Mah-ree). If you call someone "Tante Marie" there's a 98.987% chance you'll be right.

So, yes, I have some girl names picked out, but needless to say, the boy names are sparse. So far, we have Ferdinand and Richard. Uh, yeah.

So I suggested we name any boy "Stoopid-Head Jr."--after his father.

Update

2005-05-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

So, I realized I hadn't updated, or even written recently. Things have been a little crazy. New job, the porch, landscaping, an out-of-country visitor. Crazy.

A follow-up to the colposcopy scare--received a call from Dr. M's office today. The sample they took came back completely clear--no abnormal cells, no displaysia, they didn't even bother to check for HPV. Official relief--thank god.

According to the calendar, I ovulate tomorrow. Yipes! :) Yay, it could finally happen! Let the countdown begin!

Can I test yet!?!? :>)

LOVE Amalah!

2005-05-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

A fabulously wonderful kindred spirit in pregnancy--and an amazing writer! Have loved everything, but was expecially cracking up over today's installation. An excerpt:

7:37: Feed pets. Max immediately begins slurping and inhaling his food
at an alarming rate, while Ceiba sits by her untouched bowl,
quietly observing the frenzy.

7:38: Max is done. And now he is sad. Ceiba takes her cue and starts
loudly and happily munching on her kibble, occasionally walking up to Max to
crunch in his face. Max, completely forgetting that he ever had food in the
first place, looks at me like, "Why? Why do you make my life so very
hard?"

Somehow the pet thing hit me the funniest--only because I can totally see it. However 9:24 seemed to be the popular vote. Check it out at amalah dot com. Oh, and I love the whole footie sock thing--hilarious!

Can't....take....it....

2005-05-18T19:10:00.000-07:00

Okay. I will admit, I am obsessed with strollers. But I think this is taking strollers as an outward expression of your personality a bit far.

Ellen DeGeneres yesterday (requires QuickTime) presented Kevin and Britney with a customized Silver Cross pram that included neon lights and spinners. Oh my god that is hysterical.

Pic coming soon (once I figure the whole blogging/pic thing out). Stoller obsession also coming soon (once time allows). --got it figured out, here you go!

Update: Made me realize--with my job at a "large software company", and my DH's techno-geekness, what can I create as a personal manifesto cum stroller??? The possibilities are endless......

Pregnancy: Share it with your friends

2005-05-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

Yay! I'm so excited that I can get back to being excited about this pregnancy and having fun with it, yay!!!!

SO, in other news--my neighbor up the street is pregnant! We had talked a few months ago how fun it would be to be pregnant together--so now it will actually happen! Yay for her, I'm so excited! I think its a girl! :) This should be so much fun, and it will be very nice to have someone to commisurate with!

Relief

2005-05-18T14:35:00.000-07:00

Wow. WOW. So, I called yesterday, asking for a consult with Dr. M for today, and was able to get the colpo moved to an associate MD for Thursday. But then they called me back, were able to rearrange some things and get me in for the colpo with Dr. M for today. Thank god.

So, I just got back from that. I'm so happy now I could cry (weeping seems to be a theme lately). It went perfectly. We talked ahead of time. She was willing to wait if I wanted. Apparently the results came back ACS-US, that they weren't able to rule out high-level displaysia, thus the colopo. When she went in though, she didn't see anything, there wasn't anything to biopsy. It all looked good. She did take a culture from up in my cervix slightly. But other than that, nothing. We can start trying, she doesn't think we should have to wait.

I'm so happy I could cry.

I'm so excited. So so so so excited. You should have seen how happy I was, how relieved I was. So freaking relieved. And I'm so excited!!!! I can't wait to have a baby!! I think that's what all this has really driven home, how important having a baby is to me, that much is obvious. And how lucky I am that I can have one, how special this is. I can't imagine having that taken away for whatever reason.

I'm so freaking excited.

I am getting a little cramping right now--took a few motrin, should be good here soon I hope.

Yay!!!!!!!!

Not Doing Well

2005-05-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

I've been bawling all day. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. Really really upset.

I got the pamphlet on colposcopy this weekend. The microsope follow-up to my abnormal pap I referred to in Some News. What I didn't realize is you can't have sex before or for 5 days after. But I'm due to ovulate the exact day I get the procedure done. Which means no possible pg this month. And this is the month we were supposed to really start.

This is really upsetting me. And even if I did get it done earlier, what are the chances a pg would actually stick after having biopsies done that make you bleed and cramp? The more I read, I don't know. I'm half tempted to cancel it, get pregnant, then say to them--okay, now what?

I'm really upset--I haven't been able to stop crying all day, I get teary just thinking about it. And calling the nurse this am didn't help either--she totally gave me the brush-off. And I was clearly upset on the phone and she was like "you're going to be a parent, get used to it". She kept saying I'd have to ask the doctor my questions, to just wait until then, that she couldn't answer my questions.

I'm really frustrated and scared. I don't know what to do. I'm considering just canceling. But the psych doctor called me back (I called him in hysterics) and said I should do it, just postpone a month. But what if I have to have treatment? Then what? If I was pregnant, they wouldn't treat me. Is what I have going to affect the viability of a pregnancy if I don't get it treated? Everything I've read said to wait to treat until 3mos post-partum. So why even bother getting the biopsy at this point? I don't want to be treated, I want to get pregnant and treat later.

And its not the colposcopy itself, its the biopsies that will make me not be able to have sex, and sounds to me like a pregnancy wouldn't stick anyway. And more often than not, it turns out to be nothing. Why postpone if its nothing? Or if its something very minor--that can wait until after birth?

I hate this, I don't want to do this. I hate it. And its obviously really upsetting me, really bothering me. I'm angry. Hurt.

Just talked to my PCP--who's always really good about talking to me about my questions, he always calls me back, spends as much time as I need. He thinks I should do it too. Dammit. Dammit! I just don't want to wait! I'm tired of fucking waiting!

And shit, what if it is serious? What if it really is bad and now I can't get pregnant at all? God, I don't even want to think about that. Oh my god that would break my heart. Especially after giving up before--its like this is my repayment.

But what if it isn't, and I go through all of this for nothing--which is really the current majority of these abnormals. It wouldn't even be worth missing the month. And these things grow so slowly. Even if there is something there, it can wait, can't it?

Though, the PCPs point is that these things get pushed into overdrive with all the hormones racing around. It might be nothing to start, and normally 9mos later it would be still nothing. But with pregnancy hormones, it could be a CINIII by the time the PG is over.

Fuck, I don't know what to do--go ahead, make sure its nothing, and postpone a month? What if it is something, and I have to be treated, and treatment postpones me a few more months? Dammit! This was all going so well!! So perfectly! So according to plan! What if I skip it and get pregnant anyway? From what I read, if I need it, they'll postpone treatment. But what if its bad, and I need to terminate? Or, it harms the pregnancy/baby if its left alone? Or, by the time the PG is over, its so bad that I can't get pregnant again?

Shit, I'm just making myself worse. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to make this decision. Dammit. All of a sudden, I can't get pregnant. I've been thrown into a tailspin. I've wanted this so bad, I've been so excited. And now I can't do it. This is breaking my heart.

On the nose

2005-05-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

Wow, that calculator is exact! AF showed today, 5/13 on the nose!! Exactly what the calculator said (see Neat Trick).

But yes, that means the BD for a girl this time around didn't work. That's okay. Now's the real trying, eek!

Nothing Natural About This

2005-05-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Mothering Magazine--a flash movie about the home birth of Jude Rowan. Natural my heiney--no tubes, doctors, needles, drugs, sterile "home-like environment", etc. Egads. Absolutely nothing natural about that, in my mind! I'll be drugged up the minute the PG test is positive!

And those kids are watching! I think there's a reason we don't remember our own births, I for one continue to believe my own parents had NOTHING to do whatsoever with my own life on this earth, thank you. I mean, ewww. I did not come from "down there" on my mom, and they sure as hell didn't have sex! Those poor kids, they're scarred for life.

Home Birth Movie (Flash Required)

Update: sent this on to daddytypes, and it was his very next post!! Knew he'd like it! :)

Some News

2005-05-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

So, I wasn't going to say anything until the tests were run. But now, that's not happening, so I might as well start.

I went in to the Ob/Gyn last month, for my annual (6 mos late) and to say "hey, I want a baby". Of course, this always includes the ever-popular pap smear--really the whole purpose of the visit.

Well, apparently, my pap smear came back abnormal. I'm so so so freaked out--I've never had anything serious really wrong with me. Everything has always been mostly a figment of my imagination--now something could truly be wrong, so I'm completely freaked out. Really really freaked out. Something could really be wrong.

But, apparently, an abnormal result happens more often that I think, I guess. A friend of mine has had it happen more than once, my sister knows about how all this works and didn't seem worried, etc.

I really don't know much about what it means. Originally, they were going to run the sample again, verify the abnormal and check for HPV (genital herpes). Well apparently the lab didn't get the message, and now the sample is too old to run the test on. Instead of having me come in for a new pap, they're having me come in for the microscope thing--which would have been the next step anyway if the HPV had been positive. Apparently they may do biopsies while they're in there, if they find cells they'd like to bring in for questioning.

I'm freaking out. I have no idea what this all may mean. I need to do more research. And I'm completely embarassed if I have some STD--how totally completely embarassing. Gross.

I have no patience...

2005-05-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

As clearly already evidenced (can I get a pos PG test at 4dpo?????). So, there is no way I will be waiting to find out the sex of the baby. However, daddytypes recently posted this article from the NYT Will IT Be a Boy or a Girl? You Could Check the Receipt. Seems like some cute ideas, but an awful lot of work, and pressure on the store clerks! Daddytypes thinks they're all high. The padlocked hursery is hysterical, maybe a little freaky. Fascinating concept though!

PS--took another PG test just to be sure. Yep, definitely not pregnant. Tho, I'm supposed to start around 5/15, so I suppose its not over until the fat lady sings, or the aunty arrives, whichever! :)

Couldn't Do It

2005-05-05T09:40:00.000-07:00

I tried, I really did, but then I read the info on my order--set to arrive 5/10-5/13!!!!! How is anyone supposed to wait that long, huh???!!? So, clutching my list of most sensitive tests, I rushed in to my ubiquitous conglomerate drug store.

I knew I would be doing this on the way home, so didn't pee for like six hours. Just to make sure the HCG was good and concentrated.

Alas, no dice. Even tried again this am. But I'm theorhetically only 7 DPO, counting O day itself. So, there's still a chance. We'll see. I'll test again, lets say Sat am. Deal? Deal.

PS--really freaking tired this morning, and still coughing. Arg.

Waiting....

2005-05-04T16:53:00.000-07:00

for the PG tests I ordered. Its more painful waiting for them than testing! Arg!!! I have no patience, how am I supposed to wait 9 mos for a baby????

Got sick last night--very bizarre. I think I just ate too much, though the DH was so cute "Are you pregnant???? You threw up--that means you are, right???" Ha, I wish. Though, I've been extremely tired today....hmmm. Could just be a product of staying up too late. Kind of crampy though....so maybe not.

THIS is hysterical....

2005-05-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

daddytypes was reporting on reports on the viability of episiotomies. As his sources seem to mention, they're not recommended anymore, as I also read in Fearless Pregnancy (review coming soon). According to Fearless, once cut, the perineum actually has a higher tendency to tear, and further, all the way to the anus. Non-cut perineums don't tear as far. Like the cut gives it a headstart...

Hysterically, he included a link to an Episiotomy Suturing Simulator. Hilarious! Women have always wanted to be creative about how to tell their DHs the news--I'm thinking I might go this route!!! Though, I may go with the Right Mediolateral for effect. Heck, maybe I'll just break down and buy all three--I can use them w/the Grandparents!

PS--is our bung-hole really only that big? I swear it seems huge sometimes!!!

Tomorrow's my Birthday!!!!

2005-05-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

Yipee! 5th annual 25th birthday (so 29). Very excited, but I feel old :(.

Had friends over last night, drank like a fish. Nice, think I'm pregnant, and I still have 4+ glasses of wine anyway. Whatever.

Ordered PG tests from drugstore dot com yesterday. Got the Answer Early Results, which is posted in places as measuring 25mIU/mg. Couldn't find any of the 20s.

Stopped my medication Saturday--was down to 12.5 mg/day. Friday was my last dose. Saturday felt okay, but Sunday and yesterday, the dizziness was really really bad. It seems to be a little better today, much better actually. So maybe by Friday it will be gone. Yipee!

SO???? Am I pregnant or what????

2005-05-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

SO. The last time we did the BD was last Tuesday. Looking at the calendar below, (See "Neat Trick") I ovulated on Friday. Hmm, that is a bit of a stretch, even if we're just hoping for a girl--Shettle's says 2.5-3 days is the last time. Does O day count as part of that or no?? Arg!! Does BD day count or no???? Ack!!!

Well--I guess I just have to wait and see. But how soon can I see...here's the scoop on Hcg--what all those home pregnancy tests check.

From Conceiving concepts--HCG stands for human chorionic gonadotropin. Looks like it is secreted by the "trophoblast" (I assume the fertilized egg, right?) after actual fertilization (huh, I had thought it was only secreted after implantation--this is why I'm not a doctor! :) ). It says it doesn't show up in urine until "as early as" 10 days from conception, which is 1-2 days *after* implantation.

So, assuming I ovulated on Friday (4/29), and actually fertilized that day, I'm only on day 4 from conception (w/4/29 as day 1). Hmm, so maybe a little early to tell? I wonder what HCG levels are like at this stage....let's keep reading.

HCG is measured in milli-international units per millimeter (mIU/ml). Hmm, HCG is detectable in blood "as early as seven or eight days" after ovulation--"by very sensitive" tests. Again--I'm 4 days and counting. Arg.

Blood tests apparently can catch greater than 2 mIU/ml. And apparently HCG levels double every 2-3 days (72 hours) in early pregnancy. 0-1 week after *conception* is 0-50 mIU/ml expected HCG level. At 14 days after *ovulation* average is 48 mIU/ml. I'm currently only 4 days past either (in theory).

Hmmm, from babyhopes the various tests' sensitivities are:

Sensitivities checked with manufacturers in February 2005
Test Name Lowest hCG detected

AimStick Pregnancy Test Strip 20 mIU
AccuHome Midstream Pregnancy Test 25 mIU
Answer Early Result Pregnancy Test 25 mIU
Answer Pregnancy Test (Cup) 25 mIU
Clearblue +/- 25 mIU
Clearblue Digital 25 mIU
Confirm 1-Step Pregnancy Test 25 mIU
Equate Pregnancy Test 25 mIU
First Response Early Result Pregnancy Test 25 mIU
One Step Be Sure Pregnancy Test 25 mIU
Precise Pregnancy Test (doctors office) 25 mIU
Quickview Pregnancy Test (doctors office)25 mIU
Walgreen Digital 25 mIU
e.p.t. Home Pregnancy Test 40 mIU
Fact Plus Pregnancy Test 40 mIU
CVS Cartridge Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
CVS Midstream Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
Dollar Store Brand Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
Drug Emporium Brand Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
e.p.t. + / - Test 50 mIU
e.p.t. Certainty Digital Test 50 mIU
early Pregnancy test 50 mIU
RiteAid Brand Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
Target Brand Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
WalMart Brand Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
Walgreens Pregnancy Test 100 mIU

So, lowest sensitivity is 20 it looks like. Which I *might* have by now, maybe. Maybe not. I'm at 4 days, its detectable in blood 7-8 days after O. Arg. Maybe I'll just buy some just to have something to DO.

Arg...

2005-04-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

My contractor is threatening to quit. He's "talking it over" with the other guys on the job as we speak.

I caught him in two fairly large mistakes, and asked him about not being charged. That apparently blew the lid off. He's "doing a lot for me" and has "no respect" for my architect's plans, or my architect, I couldn't tell which. And apparently if one goes they all go. Oh well, I just really don't need this drama.

Just got the call back. They're staying--different project manager--one of the guys on the project. Dude the original guy is just not cut out for this. Arg.

That's All Folks

2005-04-27T12:10:00.000-07:00

For now--now its just the wait and see game. Last night was the last BD for this cycle!!!! Yay! I'm sooooo excited to see if it worked--of course, with all that fretting, I'll end up with a boy anyway--oh well! :~D But yes, last night until next cycle. Greg works tonight, and I'm ovulating tomorrow I think, so, no BD until we see if AF comes or not....

I'm so excited, but also so freaked! I just realized, I haven't done anything I am supposed to be doing to help this out! No folic, no exercise, not the right diet. Ack!@ I've got to get in gear, and get my butt kicked! So--diet, aspartame, vitamins, exercise. My biggies. Do it. Today.

Book Reviews

2005-04-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

Have read two pregnancy books so far, Knocked Up and Girlfriend's Guide. Yes, neither really very "meaty", but quite fun nonetheless. Having the DH read them now--they give a pretty accurate description at least of what the mind of a pregnant person is like. Oh boy is he in for a rough time! :)

Funny part of Knocked Up (besides that she was obviously reading Girlfriend's Guide while writing it)--she always refers to "down there". Where is she meaning--Australia? Apparently she has a hard time saying vagnia. Yes, Vagina. C'mon, everybody say it with me, ready? Vagina. See, not that hard. I mean, really, wasn't it just a few years ago we were all running around saying Vagina? As in Vagina Monologues?

So, as Girlfriend's Guide says--the pregnancy police are already out, and I'm not even pregnant yet!! Oh well. I'll do/believe/act/feel what works for me. (With my MDs guidance of course! :) )

Net/net--yes, liked the books--nice for a good diversion from everything that is sure to be very clinical and possibly overwhelming. Next on the list is Fearless Pregnancy. I'll tell you how it goes.

Status

2005-04-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

Haven't done the BD in three days--day one, DH wasn't interested, which totally shocked me, day two, DH worked, day three, huge fight. And I think I might be ovulating--based on discharge, which can be weird b/c of BD, but its been three days, so.....

So its on tonight, like it or not.

Neat Trick

2005-04-24T04:43:00.000-07:00

Recently a friend's friend's scare alerted me to the fact that there are ovulation calculators out there on the web. Jeeze, just type in "ovulation calculator" in Google, holy moley! So, as we're in the planning stages, I decided to go out and try for myself. I love the one I found, its seemed the most accurate/detailed/customizable. Here's what I got (courtesy of babyhopes):

4/17/05 - First day of your cycle
4/26/05 - A little bit fertile
4/27/05 - Fertile
4/28/05 - VERY fertile
4/29/05 - time to ovulate
5/13/05 - End of cycle
5/12/05 - A home pregnancy test may work now.
5/16/05 - No period? Maybe you're pregnant!
1/22/06 - If you are, this is your approximate due date.

MONTH 3:
5/13/05 - First day of your cycle
5/22/05 - A little bit fertile
5/23/05 - Fertile
5/24/05 - VERY fertile
5/25/05 - time to ovulate
6/08/05 - End of cycle
6/07/05 - A home pregnancy test may work now.
6/11/05 - No period? Maybe you're pregnant!
2/17/06 - If you are, this is your approximate due date.

MONTH 4:
6/08/05 - First day of your cycle
6/17/05 - A little bit fertile
6/18/05 - Fertile
6/19/05 - VERY fertile
6/20/05 - time to ovulate
7/04/05 - End of cycle
7/03/05 - A home pregnancy test may work now.
7/07/05 - No period? Maybe you're pregnant!
3/15/06 - If you are, this is your approximate due date.

MONTH 5:
7/04/05 - First day of your cycle
7/13/05 - A little bit fertile
7/14/05 - Fertile
7/15/05 - VERY fertile
7/16/05 - time to ovulate
7/30/05 - End of cycle
7/29/05 - A home pregnancy test may work now.
8/02/05 - No period? Maybe you're pregnant!
4/10/06 - If you are, this is your approximate due date.

MONTH 6:
7/30/05 - First day of your cycle
8/08/05 - A little bit fertile
8/09/05 - Fertile
8/10/05 - VERY fertile
8/11/05 - time to ovulate
8/25/05 - End of cycle
8/24/05 - A home pregnancy test may work now.
8/28/05 - No period? Maybe you're pregnant!
5/06/06 - If you are, this is your approximate due date.

TIPS:
· For the average couple, having sex once per day provides the best chance of getting pregnant.
· To optimize your chances of getting pregnant, after your partner ejaculates, remain on your back with your hips elevated for 20-30
minutes.
· The woman-on-top position isn't great for pregnancy, since ejaculate may flow out.

FACTS:
· Most women have a 15 to 25 percent chance of getting pregnant during their cycle.
· Nearly 50 percent of couples conceive during the first 3 months.
· About 75 percent of couples conceive during the first 6 months.
· Up to 90 percent of couples conceive during the first year.
· On the average, there are 280 days from the first day of your last period to your due date.

Frequency and Timing of Intercourse:
Shettles says in order to increase the chances of having a girl, you should have sex everyday from the end of your period up to 2 1/2 to 3 days before ovulation. After this point, do not have unprotected sex until several days past ovulation.

Intercourse further away from ovulation favors the larger slower moving X (girl) sperm. The weaker Y (boy) sperm will die more quickly in the more acidic preovulatory vaginal / cervical secretions and by the time of ovulation there will be a much larger concentration of X (girl) sperm
available to fertilize the egg.

Sexual Position:
Shettles suggests that if you are trying to conceive a girl, shallow
penetration from your partner, preferably with the missionary position, will deposit the sperm closer to the entrance to the vagina. This area is more acidic than closer to the cervix and acidity will work against the weaker "boy" sperm leaving more "girl" sperm available to fertilize your egg.

Sex and Orgasms:
When trying to conceive a girl, Shettles recommends that you don't
orgasm during sex as the body produces substances after orgasm that makes the vaginal environment more alkaline, which favors the "boy" sperm.

The contractions which accompany an orgasm help move the sperm up and into the cervix, giving the "boy" sperm an extra chance at being available when your egg is available for fertilization.

Fascinating stuff, huh? It was so cute, I sent this to the DH, and he printed it out and posted it on the refrigerator! How adorable! He's so excited.

But, that's not the neat trick. No, see, the neat trick comes in that, we have a house guest coming to stay with us. For six weeks. Starting 4/29. Okay, so go back and reference the ovulation calendar above. Yes, you got it, we'll be doing the BD the whole time he is here! Ack! Poor guy! And according to my sister, who lived upstairs in the guest room for 6 mos, the ceiling/floor is quite thin. Think I'll be investing in a radio, and a blanket for the floor!

Ahyhoo, now you can all play along with me. We're trying for the girl this cycle around--I'm really more interested in timing of the birth than gender of the baby. So didn't want to waste the prime three target months (May, June, July) on trying for a girl, since you only get 1/2 the time to "try". Timing is important for me, since I have pretty significant depression, I'm more prone to postpartum, so I think the timing/being able to get outside, will definitely help post-baby. So trying for delivery in early spring vs. say November. Have you been in Seattle in November? It would depress a high school cheerleader. Of course, they're all on drugs anyway according to Uncle Bonsai. :)

Audience

2005-04-24T04:29:00.000-07:00

I mean really--I'm kind of bummed--no comments??? :~( (sniff) I feel so, so....

Which makes me realize: I have already violated rule #1 in writing--consider your audience. I guess I've "considered" them. I think that I'm assuming in some deluded way that this will be a world-renowned blog. It will be referenced in Newsweek, anyone who is anyone will have it in their favorites. Better yet, the RSS feeds will be rampant.

Yeah, right. Let's be realistic. There are enough blogs out there to choke all the horses of Arabia (as the personal trainer says "Why would you want to feed a horse a blog?? And why would anyone want to choke a poor innocent horse? Jerks.")

So, the potential of anyone besides friends and family reading this???
-100% Yes, that's a negative sign.

So, I come back to considering my audience. I'll continue to write in the style I am--this is definitely not how I write in my "diary" or whatever journal I vaguely and randomly keep on scraps of paper scattered throughout piles around the house. However, I'll need to remember to behave myself--'nough said.

Revelation

2005-04-24T04:19:00.000-07:00

Duh. Just realized--Britney was trying to get pregnant. Evidenced by the return to her "natural" hair color. You can't (or it isn't advocated) dye your hair while pregnant--thus the root touch-ups to avoid the skunk-look (no, not punk) can't be done. No blonde = no touch-ups! Genius!

Yes, I needed to blog this at 4am. Even more important to wake up the DH and inform him of my amazing powers of deduction as well. He was thrilled. Really.

Had my first "non-alcoholic" beer tonight. I guess I could see it doing if you're really desperate. I think I'll allow myself one drink per month, then maybe I won't have to have that nasty a** crap. Somehow, even without alcohol, I still have the worst heartburn. Go figure.

More Info

2005-04-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

....than you ever wanted to know. But this is a TTC and pregnancy blog. More about that later.

So peeved--I already wrote this once, and it didn't post, the server froze. >:( oh well. I'll try to recreate my earlier brilliance! :~D

OH (gasp) MY (gasp) GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! According to the DH, this is apparently what I screamed last night. According to him, he hasn't gotten that kind of response from me ever, in 7+ years of togetherness. It was definitely good, its been a while (more on that later). But more importantly, oh so needed.

See, we're having our front porch redone. And the contractor is driving me nuts. More specifically the contractor and the DH. Miscommunication has been rampant--its like we're all speaking Chinese, and no one knows what the other is saying. And its taking forever. I'm seriously about to throttle someone. Last night it really came to a head.

So, I desperately needed a drink. But, you're not supposed to drink when TTC, not only to just be on the safe side, but how it actually affects fertility, etc. So, therefore, the big O was so totally deserved. I really needed it.

Here's the thing unfortunately. We're trying for the girl this cycle. But orgasms apparently help the boy sperm, which we're trying to avoid (helping boy sperm).

But oh well, it was so totally worth it.

It works!

2005-04-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

Yipee! This is great! So, I'm wanting to catalog this trip called having a baby....yikes.

So, we officially started TTC last night. I forgot to think that, over at least the next few months, (sorry to be crass, but....) I will feel like I'm constantly draining! Arg! NOW I remember why I liked condoms--uck.

Its been amazing, the research I've done in the last few weeks--its a whole world out there! There's discussion boards for everything. Phenomenal. The whole trying to get pregnant thing comes with its completely own vocabulary. I'm married to a DH, we do the BD while we are TTC, and always hoping AF doesn't show up. If she doesn't, I hope to get a BFP, but might get a BFN, which would of course mean, back to the BD. And I thought the military was bad for TLAs.

Didn't get to sleep until about 3am last night. This is b/c I decided to read the Newsweek article related to family health, and specifically, the part about kids and fitness. The DH and I've decided, since he's a Firefighter, that he'll be the "Nanny". So after reading the article, I start to obsess about what activities my child will be involved in. I don't think he realizes, once the kid is here, there's no more xbox, no more Union, no more fantasy baseball/football/basketball/kickball. I refuse to have my kid plopped in front of a TV as its babysitter.

So what do I do--well I wake the DH up of course! Duh! And immediately proceed to lovingly share my fears. "Dear, you're going to make an awful father" Yeah, that went over great.

Truthfully, as the wonderful man he is, we talked. He's so amazing. 1am and he's giving me complete attention, helping me work through my anxieties and fears. Like it was the middle of the afternoon. What a great guy. He'll make a great father.

Fear #1--what do you mean I'm supposed to gain weight? Dude, I'm already 205 on a 5'5" frame. Yeah right! I already need to lose 50lbs, and I'm supposed to gain and lose an additional 50?!?!? Are you people kidding me?!?! Jesus, I'm going to be the biggest, ugliest, fattest pregnant person ever. Sure, all the books say average is 25--not the people I've talked to! (People always say I don't look 205, "I carry it well". Yeah, they haven't seen me au naturel--nobody wants to see that!)

Fear #2--I haven't achieved what I want to achieve professionally. And once I have a kid, that's all over. Done. Game over. No more chances. I had my time, and I blew it. This one is still up for debate.

Fear #3--EVERYTHING. Made the mistake of buying a couple of pregnancy books. Dude, my body will never be mine again. I had my chance to enjoy it, and it will never be the same again, and I will never get to enjoy it again. There's alot of nevers in there.....

Truthfully, I feel immensely better after talking to the DH--I think we can really do this. Lunch with a good friend, along with some retail therapy, helped too. How is it, I pay $100/hr for a therapist, and yet a $5 lunch w/my friend does me ages more good? Hmm, note to self, rethink the therapist, pay friend $50 to listen to me whine.

I'm excited, I really really am. Finding awesome resources out there. Read somewhere that stroller manufacturers are marketing to dads with what got them in the situation in the first place, sex. Funny. Love the new Quinny, but out of my price range. Considering Mac 3, though it is discontinued for 05. Interested to see what they come out with.

A note on this blogging thing--I'm not nearly as witty as I had hoped. And blogging is definitely not for the spelling or grammar challenged. I'll try to not a) bore you or b) frustrate you. I'll try.

PS--shout out to daddytypes, check out the link. Awesome, love it, love the writing, love the product reviews, love the pop culture, love the links, love everything. Love it.

So it starts....

2005-04-21T18:29:00.000-07:00

Wow, okay, so my first ever blog post, and the blog is all about starting the baby. Let's post this puppy and see how it works....