Monday, May 16

Not Doing Well

I've been bawling all day. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. Really really upset.

I got the pamphlet on colposcopy this weekend. The microsope follow-up to my abnormal pap I referred to in Some News. What I didn't realize is you can't have sex before or for 5 days after. But I'm due to ovulate the exact day I get the procedure done. Which means no possible pg this month. And this is the month we were supposed to really start.

This is really upsetting me. And even if I did get it done earlier, what are the chances a pg would actually stick after having biopsies done that make you bleed and cramp? The more I read, I don't know. I'm half tempted to cancel it, get pregnant, then say to them--okay, now what?

I'm really upset--I haven't been able to stop crying all day, I get teary just thinking about it. And calling the nurse this am didn't help either--she totally gave me the brush-off. And I was clearly upset on the phone and she was like "you're going to be a parent, get used to it". She kept saying I'd have to ask the doctor my questions, to just wait until then, that she couldn't answer my questions.

I'm really frustrated and scared. I don't know what to do. I'm considering just canceling. But the psych doctor called me back (I called him in hysterics) and said I should do it, just postpone a month. But what if I have to have treatment? Then what? If I was pregnant, they wouldn't treat me. Is what I have going to affect the viability of a pregnancy if I don't get it treated? Everything I've read said to wait to treat until 3mos post-partum. So why even bother getting the biopsy at this point? I don't want to be treated, I want to get pregnant and treat later.

And its not the colposcopy itself, its the biopsies that will make me not be able to have sex, and sounds to me like a pregnancy wouldn't stick anyway. And more often than not, it turns out to be nothing. Why postpone if its nothing? Or if its something very minor--that can wait until after birth?

I hate this, I don't want to do this. I hate it. And its obviously really upsetting me, really bothering me. I'm angry. Hurt.

Just talked to my PCP--who's always really good about talking to me about my questions, he always calls me back, spends as much time as I need. He thinks I should do it too. Dammit. Dammit! I just don't want to wait! I'm tired of fucking waiting!

And shit, what if it is serious? What if it really is bad and now I can't get pregnant at all? God, I don't even want to think about that. Oh my god that would break my heart. Especially after giving up before--its like this is my repayment.

But what if it isn't, and I go through all of this for nothing--which is really the current majority of these abnormals. It wouldn't even be worth missing the month. And these things grow so slowly. Even if there is something there, it can wait, can't it?

Though, the PCPs point is that these things get pushed into overdrive with all the hormones racing around. It might be nothing to start, and normally 9mos later it would be still nothing. But with pregnancy hormones, it could be a CINIII by the time the PG is over.

Fuck, I don't know what to do--go ahead, make sure its nothing, and postpone a month? What if it is something, and I have to be treated, and treatment postpones me a few more months? Dammit! This was all going so well!! So perfectly! So according to plan! What if I skip it and get pregnant anyway? From what I read, if I need it, they'll postpone treatment. But what if its bad, and I need to terminate? Or, it harms the pregnancy/baby if its left alone? Or, by the time the PG is over, its so bad that I can't get pregnant again?

Shit, I'm just making myself worse. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to make this decision. Dammit. All of a sudden, I can't get pregnant. I've been thrown into a tailspin. I've wanted this so bad, I've been so excited. And now I can't do it. This is breaking my heart.


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