Oh...and um?

Can I just say, I am HATING these happy shiny smiling faces of all these happily pregnant pretty celebs? HATE HATE SEETHING HATE their cuteness, their happiness, their smiliness, they're pregnantness---ITS NOT FAIR (WAH!!!)

The Trip to the Shrine

Or, actually--the trip to the Fertility Clinic.

Ok, I absolutely CANNOT believe it has been--wait, lemme check--10 days since I last posted??!?! Uh, where the heck have I been?

BUSY.

You read about the Desparate Housewives marathon. Well, then my lovely husband decided to buy me the Harry Potter books--as I had not read any of them.

The husband MUST DIE. As must Ms. Rowling. I'm very much not happy with the last book's ending. I bawled all night. But I must say--I am thrilled to finally have my life back. It was an OBSESSION. Hellllooooooo--I was stalking my friends house at 11pm waiting for her to find her 5th book to loan to me becuase I had just finished the 4th and absolutely could not survive the night without getting at least halfway through the next one and Fred Meyer didn't have #5, only #6, and oh my god what was I going to doooooooooooo!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

So, needless to say, a hysterical phone call to my friend and her assurance she would be home in under an hour and would be happy to loan me her #5 and am I willing to wait up that late since it will be 11p before she gets home?

Um, yes--yes I can.

Is obsessiveness a sign of pregnancy?

So, as you can see, busy, very very busy.

Oh, yes, I suppose work fell in there somewhere too. Which, due to the obsessions I am way to far behind on.

Oh, and I had a friend in town for the last half of last week. Had a blast--very much white wine was involved. Possibly too much.

And with all the busyness, I realized I hadn't even been reading my favorites, daddytypes and Amalah! How could I possibly forsake them??? Huh? How?? I love them, they renew me, give me strength, hope, side stitches from laughing. And keep me hip to the very coolest in baby gear.

But--to the more exciting news.....I HAVE A COMMENT!!!!!! Can you believe it?!?!? I'm so freaking excited! It makes this whole blogging thing actually worth it! Yipee! She actually said, and I quote "I love reading your blogs!" Thank you girl! :) (uh, more than once a day!?!? Some of us aren't that young anymore, unfortunately!) You have refreshed my desire to continue telling the rest of the world about my ovulation cycle and Greg's semen content. The world, and Greg, thank you.

Speaking of cycle--I am at day 23 of my cycle, about 10 days past ovulation. So, peed on a stick this am. It sat there, glaring back at me, one single angry pink line, defiant in the face of my pleading. "I refuse to become two lines, no matter how much you cross your eyes." Man, not even a blush. What, no hope for a desperate girl? You ungrateful little....oh wait, sorry, inanimate object. Fine, in the garbage you go. Take that you uncooperative stick.

Sigh--oh well, we'll see. I have been a little tired the last couple days. And slightly moody. Had quite the row with Greg--he's been on-purpose stomping my bushes to death and seems offended when I absolutely freak out that HE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS by stomping on the bushes I so lovingly chose and made him plant AND WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING THEM ANYWAY if they're going to get stomped, at which point I forcefully ripped out said stomped on plant and exclaimed for the whole block to hear I CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE. I also promptly reminded him of the great tulip beheading incident of 2003, sobbing that "I never even got to see them bl-BLOOM (waaahh!!)". Boys, they can be so un-understanding.

ANWAY--on to the actual topic of this post (well, its all really all about me anyway, so anything I write about me is technically on-topic) BUT--we went to visit the fertility clinic last week. I couldn't stand it anymore, and besides, apparently after September they're no longer covered by our insurance....so that's of course why we went, simple economics really. Nothing to do with the fact that I'm completely freaking out. Noooo, nothing at all.

And this is one of those doctors that actually gives you homework prior to coming in to see them. And its not a "doctor's appointment" its a "consultation." And oh my god, can we talk about the view from the office, and the doctor's personal office most of all? Of beautiful shining lake Union? And how lavishly furnished the whole place was? And how gorgeous the building was? And I wonder why insurance isn't covering them anymore????

They were all very nice people of course. The doctor reviewed and marked our homework. I think I might have done better than Greg, as my "family health history" had ever so many more answers than his did--he only had answers for two--I had at least 40 or something. I'm such a show-off.

The doctor asked very many, highly personal questions. When he asked about alcohol use, Greg and I had to kind of giggle at each other. I mean, between the 4th of July party, Whidbey Island Raceweek, and my friend in town, well, I swear its been at least the equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. At this proclamation, I thought the doctor was going to pronounce me devil spawn of childless couples, apparently I wasn't taking this wanting a baby thing seriously. At least I swear that's what his look said. Hey! I know many couples that have conceived on a well-intoxicated night. Maybe that's all we've really been needing! So there!

I handed him the notes on Greg's analysis, and apparently they were fine, because he then launched into all the wonderful, exciting ways he will get to torture me instead. Which, apparently, could start TODAY. What?!?! Today!??!?! Dude, I didn't shave for this! Wait, I'm not prepared! Crap!

So, off went we and my unshaven legs to the ultrasound room. I though "sure, I've done ultrasound before, for possible kidney stones, that sort of thing". Well, was I sorely mistaken. Ha! However, my surprise was nothing to the green look my husband got as he sat there and had to watch the very male doctor insert what looked--however scientific, and diagnostic, and highly-technological, and non-sexual it may be--very much like the battery operated toy he keeps threatening to buy me, up into my...ahem...well, inside me. I swear he was going to either pass out or puke. Perhaps both.

His reaction, however, was nothing compared to the absolute fun I was having! Hoo boy! Yessiree! I absolutely love having something--inserted into what is obviously made for vertical alignment--turned horizontal. Yep, that was fun! I swear my entire gastrointestinal tract was shoved up into my throat, my bladder roughly pushed out of the way. It was like taking a stick and just stirring my insides like they were a pot of pasta. Wow, that was fun. Can't wait to do that again!

The doctor of course made it sound like it was all necessary to be able to get "a clear picture of things". Right--sorry, no matter how many times you say it, that fuzzy thing on the monitor does not look anything like the pretty pictures of my uterus I see in all the books. Liar.

Net/net--everything looked fine. At which point he drew some diagrams and wrote some stuff down which I can't read at all--I mean he's a doctor, who can read anything they write?? But, I remember there being blood draws and hormone levels involved, and having to figure out what days to do it in, blah blah blah. Oh, and some sort of dye test. I have to call the first day if my period starts again, obviously meaning I'm not pregnant.

Which leaves me here--waiting for whatever to happen. I love waiting, really. It's my favorite. I mean, really, I'm known for my patience, world reknown. If I ended up waiting the rest of my life, for whatever, if just given the chance to wait, for anything, I'd be the happiest girl in the world. What?!? Too much sarcasm? Oooh, hey, is that a sign of pregnancy too!??!

The Results

So--I called the fertility clinic yesterday since I hadn't gotten results on Greg's "analysis" yet. They went ahead and read them over the phone to me--but will mail them as well.

Net/net is--he's normal. His concentration is very high (yay little swimmers! :) ), his motility (they can actually SWIM, in the right direction no less) is above normal, and his "morphology" (do they look like Hanford rejects?) is apparently "normal". That last one worries me a bit. He was above normal on everything else--but this one is right at normal. And Greg really hates underachieving.

And OMG--did I just blog all about tghe make up of Greg's sperm?!?!!?!?!? He's gonna kill me!!!

BUT--the whole point is, egads, it might be me. Now I'm worried. The tests are so much more difficult, involved, a pain in the ass--as well as the treatments should anything actually need to be done! Crap, crap! We have an appointment coming up with actual fertility doctors. I'm not sure what'll happen.

But maybe we'll get lucky. Maybe this is the month. Or maybe not, I don't know.

I got a strong positive surge test yesterday, and really strong this morning. But Greg's working today, dammit. I keep trying to get him to leave/get sick, but no go. I'm trying to think--we did it last night, and can do it again tomorrow morning when he gets home. And we did it last before that Sunday am. So, Sunday, Monday, Wed. That's a good start, right? And, I think we'll change it up--keeping doing it for a little while longer than normal. Arg, I really want it to work this time. B/c if it doesn't--I don't know, this is just getting a little wearing!!

Top Three Dangers of Working From Home

1. If I'm wearing jeans--you should feel honored because I am DRESSED UP, just for you!

2. A single "oh, I'll just watch an episode of Desprate Housewives while I eat this sandwich" turns into a full-on DH marathon until 3A.M.!! Holy LORD what was I thinking??!?!

3. "Working from Home" very quickly degrades into "Working from Bed"

Needless to say, I've hiked my little fanny onto campus, requisitioned myself an office and am actually getting WORK done. I've got to stay away from those damn Harry Potter books!!

I'm sure there's actually more than three dangers, but none that I'm willing to admit at this very moment.

Waiting

Day 12. No LH surge yet--I think the last surge was either day 12 or 13. But then again, those ovulation kits are really really hard to read. So I don't know. This really sucks. I'm just about ready to give up.

And I never heard from the lab with the analysis results--damn. I knew that was going to be a problem. I had to find a lab that would do it without a doctor's request. Shit--I'll have to call Monday.

This is such a pain in the ass. And I hate waiting--patience is not my strong suit.

This is ridiculous

I can't believe I'm looking up a fertility clinic's website. I just can't believe it. I mean, what's wrong with us that we can't perform the basic human function of procreation!?!? Its not supposed to be this hard.

I started yesterday. Was weepy all day. Still kinda am. I'm just so pissed and frustrated. It just can't be this hard!!

Its so embarassing, we can't get this simple thing right. Somehow, I feel like I'm being cheated out of a basic human right.

And I'm totally making a big deal out of nothing. I'm only looking up the fertility clinic to have Greg go in and get tested. Just to be safe. Its really not The End of The World. But, Time is not your friend. And testing for Male Factor infertility is phenomenally easier than testing for female. So, rule out the easy one first. Then, start on me. Though, I don't know if they'll even help us, since it hasn't been that long. This is ridiculous.

Favorite Myths for Why I'm Not Pregnant

1. "You're Trying Too Hard"
Yeah, that's it! Crap! Why didn't I think of that before?!?! You're right, HAVING SEX EVERYDAY is how to NOT get pregnant! Dang! If only I'd known that in college! Who needs birth control with that much "trying"?

2. "Its your Weight"
RIIIIGGHHT. Me and 90% of the American population. And yet, the papers haven't been shouting AMERICAN POPULATION DECLINING. Hmm, think I'll take a pass on that one.

3. There is no #3, I only had 1 and 2. But #3 I guess could be STOP IT, YOU'RE WORRYING ME. Seriously, I'm really starting to get worried.

According to "them," even in healthy couples there's only a 25% chance each month of getting pregnant. Even with all the correct timing and everything. I would really, really like to know where that 25% number comes from. They keep quoting it, yet no-one ever says why. Maybe its because they're fat nymphos.

So far, in my research, my favorite description of fertility is that it is like a "symphony":

It has different sections - the strings, percussion and horns. Each section must begin to play right on cue for a contada to result.

Not fair making me puke--it gets me excited that I might be pregnant.

Its so frustrating. I'm not allowed to officially panic yet, according to my doctor. She looked me straight in the eye during the colposcopy and said "You know that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you if it doesn't happen these specific three months. I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT."

Yeah, right, I feel so much better now.

No one will touch you apparently unless you've been trying for an entire year. A YEAR y'all!! Right! Seriously, I don't think that's going to work. If we delay pregnancy any longer....well, a year just isn't going to cut it.

And yet, I read this article that people are just going straight to IVF, and with less than a year of trying.

Well, I have a couple more days before I start, so maybe there's still a chance. But I'm not going to hold my breath. Dammit. DAMMIT. Dammit. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. Its not supposed to be this hard. Its not fair! Arg.