Thursday, May 26


LOVING--the new pair of Canyon River Blues jeans I got from Value Village, for five bucks!!!

Hating--the fact that I'm already 5olbs overweight--and I'm supposed to gain more, possibly another 50?!??! (everyone I've talked to gained about that much). I'm so screwed.

Naming Conventions

So, as a warm up to the BD last night, the DH brought up the "what should we name the baby?" topic. Talk about foreplay....

Now, this is coming from the man who had no problem naming his child Christopher Robin. After Robin, of Batman and Robin fame. Oh, and he just likes the name Christopher. Nevermind the poor child would be taunted for life about how Pooh Corner is going....that's a great way to ensure consistent bed-wetting issues until, oh, 35.

Oh, and he thought it would be cute to shorten Christopher to Topher or Risto or Ristoph. Yeah, he's fired from naming duties....

So, of course, I have tons of girl names already picked out...gender preference? Me?? NO! They're of course all based on the traditional naming-after-dead-relatives aesthetic, long-dead people that could really care less that we're naming our beloved child after them, which is really some poor misguided attempt at holding on to the miniscule, shredded thread of history that any of us American (I mean U.S.) mongrels can even attempt to grasp on to. (Me? I'm 1/618th English, French, Azerbijjan, and Chinese). And so, we remember the dead to make ourselves feel better--by naming our children after them.

Don't get me wrong, I'll be doing the same darn thing--I mean 1/618th is better than zero! And, there's some good options, especially on the DH's side--well one anyway, Marie--it seems all good Swiss ladies are named Marie (pronounced Mah-ree). If you call someone "Tante Marie" there's a 98.987% chance you'll be right.

So, yes, I have some girl names picked out, but needless to say, the boy names are sparse. So far, we have Ferdinand and Richard. Uh, yeah.

So I suggested we name any boy "Stoopid-Head Jr."--after his father.

Tuesday, May 24


So, I realized I hadn't updated, or even written recently. Things have been a little crazy. New job, the porch, landscaping, an out-of-country visitor. Crazy.

A follow-up to the colposcopy scare--received a call from Dr. M's office today. The sample they took came back completely clear--no abnormal cells, no displaysia, they didn't even bother to check for HPV. Official relief--thank god.

According to the calendar, I ovulate tomorrow. Yipes! :) Yay, it could finally happen! Let the countdown begin!

Can I test yet!?!? :>)

Friday, May 20

LOVE Amalah!

A fabulously wonderful kindred spirit in pregnancy--and an amazing writer! Have loved everything, but was expecially cracking up over today's installation. An excerpt:

7:37: Feed pets. Max immediately begins slurping and inhaling his food
at an alarming rate, while Ceiba sits by her untouched bowl,
quietly observing the frenzy.

7:38: Max is done. And now he is sad. Ceiba takes her cue and starts
loudly and happily munching on her kibble, occasionally walking up to Max to
crunch in his face. Max, completely forgetting that he ever had food in the
first place, looks at me like, "Why? Why do you make my life so very

Somehow the pet thing hit me the funniest--only because I can totally see it. However 9:24 seemed to be the popular vote. Check it out at amalah dot com. Oh, and I love the whole footie sock thing--hilarious!

Wednesday, May 18


Okay. I will admit, I am obsessed with strollers. But I think this is taking strollers as an outward expression of your personality a bit far.

Ellen DeGeneres yesterday (requires QuickTime) presented Kevin and Britney with a customized Silver Cross pram that included neon lights and spinners. Oh my god that is hysterical.

Pic coming soon (once I figure the whole blogging/pic thing out). Stoller obsession also coming soon (once time allows). --got it figured out, here you go!


Update: Made me realize--with my job at a "large software company", and my DH's techno-geekness, what can I create as a personal manifesto cum stroller??? The possibilities are endless......

Pregnancy: Share it with your friends

Yay! I'm so excited that I can get back to being excited about this pregnancy and having fun with it, yay!!!!

SO, in other news--my neighbor up the street is pregnant! We had talked a few months ago how fun it would be to be pregnant together--so now it will actually happen! Yay for her, I'm so excited! I think its a girl! :) This should be so much fun, and it will be very nice to have someone to commisurate with!


Wow. WOW. So, I called yesterday, asking for a consult with Dr. M for today, and was able to get the colpo moved to an associate MD for Thursday. But then they called me back, were able to rearrange some things and get me in for the colpo with Dr. M for today. Thank god.

So, I just got back from that. I'm so happy now I could cry (weeping seems to be a theme lately). It went perfectly. We talked ahead of time. She was willing to wait if I wanted. Apparently the results came back ACS-US, that they weren't able to rule out high-level displaysia, thus the colopo. When she went in though, she didn't see anything, there wasn't anything to biopsy. It all looked good. She did take a culture from up in my cervix slightly. But other than that, nothing. We can start trying, she doesn't think we should have to wait.

I'm so happy I could cry.

I'm so excited. So so so so excited. You should have seen how happy I was, how relieved I was. So freaking relieved. And I'm so excited!!!! I can't wait to have a baby!! I think that's what all this has really driven home, how important having a baby is to me, that much is obvious. And how lucky I am that I can have one, how special this is. I can't imagine having that taken away for whatever reason.

I'm so freaking excited.

I am getting a little cramping right now--took a few motrin, should be good here soon I hope.


Monday, May 16

Not Doing Well

I've been bawling all day. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. Really really upset.

I got the pamphlet on colposcopy this weekend. The microsope follow-up to my abnormal pap I referred to in Some News. What I didn't realize is you can't have sex before or for 5 days after. But I'm due to ovulate the exact day I get the procedure done. Which means no possible pg this month. And this is the month we were supposed to really start.

This is really upsetting me. And even if I did get it done earlier, what are the chances a pg would actually stick after having biopsies done that make you bleed and cramp? The more I read, I don't know. I'm half tempted to cancel it, get pregnant, then say to them--okay, now what?

I'm really upset--I haven't been able to stop crying all day, I get teary just thinking about it. And calling the nurse this am didn't help either--she totally gave me the brush-off. And I was clearly upset on the phone and she was like "you're going to be a parent, get used to it". She kept saying I'd have to ask the doctor my questions, to just wait until then, that she couldn't answer my questions.

I'm really frustrated and scared. I don't know what to do. I'm considering just canceling. But the psych doctor called me back (I called him in hysterics) and said I should do it, just postpone a month. But what if I have to have treatment? Then what? If I was pregnant, they wouldn't treat me. Is what I have going to affect the viability of a pregnancy if I don't get it treated? Everything I've read said to wait to treat until 3mos post-partum. So why even bother getting the biopsy at this point? I don't want to be treated, I want to get pregnant and treat later.

And its not the colposcopy itself, its the biopsies that will make me not be able to have sex, and sounds to me like a pregnancy wouldn't stick anyway. And more often than not, it turns out to be nothing. Why postpone if its nothing? Or if its something very minor--that can wait until after birth?

I hate this, I don't want to do this. I hate it. And its obviously really upsetting me, really bothering me. I'm angry. Hurt.

Just talked to my PCP--who's always really good about talking to me about my questions, he always calls me back, spends as much time as I need. He thinks I should do it too. Dammit. Dammit! I just don't want to wait! I'm tired of fucking waiting!

And shit, what if it is serious? What if it really is bad and now I can't get pregnant at all? God, I don't even want to think about that. Oh my god that would break my heart. Especially after giving up before--its like this is my repayment.

But what if it isn't, and I go through all of this for nothing--which is really the current majority of these abnormals. It wouldn't even be worth missing the month. And these things grow so slowly. Even if there is something there, it can wait, can't it?

Though, the PCPs point is that these things get pushed into overdrive with all the hormones racing around. It might be nothing to start, and normally 9mos later it would be still nothing. But with pregnancy hormones, it could be a CINIII by the time the PG is over.

Fuck, I don't know what to do--go ahead, make sure its nothing, and postpone a month? What if it is something, and I have to be treated, and treatment postpones me a few more months? Dammit! This was all going so well!! So perfectly! So according to plan! What if I skip it and get pregnant anyway? From what I read, if I need it, they'll postpone treatment. But what if its bad, and I need to terminate? Or, it harms the pregnancy/baby if its left alone? Or, by the time the PG is over, its so bad that I can't get pregnant again?

Shit, I'm just making myself worse. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to make this decision. Dammit. All of a sudden, I can't get pregnant. I've been thrown into a tailspin. I've wanted this so bad, I've been so excited. And now I can't do it. This is breaking my heart.

Friday, May 13

On the nose

Wow, that calculator is exact! AF showed today, 5/13 on the nose!! Exactly what the calculator said (see Neat Trick).

But yes, that means the BD for a girl this time around didn't work. That's okay. Now's the real trying, eek!

Thursday, May 12

Nothing Natural About This

Courtesy of Mothering Magazine--a flash movie about the home birth of Jude Rowan. Natural my heiney--no tubes, doctors, needles, drugs, sterile "home-like environment", etc. Egads. Absolutely nothing natural about that, in my mind! I'll be drugged up the minute the PG test is positive!

And those kids are watching! I think there's a reason we don't remember our own births, I for one continue to believe my own parents had NOTHING to do whatsoever with my own life on this earth, thank you. I mean, ewww. I did not come from "down there" on my mom, and they sure as hell didn't have sex! Those poor kids, they're scarred for life.

Home Birth Movie (Flash Required)

Update: sent this on to daddytypes, and it was his very next post!! Knew he'd like it! :)

Some News

So, I wasn't going to say anything until the tests were run. But now, that's not happening, so I might as well start.

I went in to the Ob/Gyn last month, for my annual (6 mos late) and to say "hey, I want a baby". Of course, this always includes the ever-popular pap smear--really the whole purpose of the visit.

Well, apparently, my pap smear came back abnormal. I'm so so so freaked out--I've never had anything serious really wrong with me. Everything has always been mostly a figment of my imagination--now something could truly be wrong, so I'm completely freaked out. Really really freaked out. Something could really be wrong.

But, apparently, an abnormal result happens more often that I think, I guess. A friend of mine has had it happen more than once, my sister knows about how all this works and didn't seem worried, etc.

I really don't know much about what it means. Originally, they were going to run the sample again, verify the abnormal and check for HPV (genital herpes). Well apparently the lab didn't get the message, and now the sample is too old to run the test on. Instead of having me come in for a new pap, they're having me come in for the microscope thing--which would have been the next step anyway if the HPV had been positive. Apparently they may do biopsies while they're in there, if they find cells they'd like to bring in for questioning.

I'm freaking out. I have no idea what this all may mean. I need to do more research. And I'm completely embarassed if I have some STD--how totally completely embarassing. Gross.

I have no patience...

As clearly already evidenced (can I get a pos PG test at 4dpo?????). So, there is no way I will be waiting to find out the sex of the baby. However, daddytypes recently posted this article from the NYT Will IT Be a Boy or a Girl? You Could Check the Receipt. Seems like some cute ideas, but an awful lot of work, and pressure on the store clerks! Daddytypes thinks they're all high. The padlocked hursery is hysterical, maybe a little freaky. Fascinating concept though!

PS--took another PG test just to be sure. Yep, definitely not pregnant. Tho, I'm supposed to start around 5/15, so I suppose its not over until the fat lady sings, or the aunty arrives, whichever! :)

Thursday, May 5

Couldn't Do It

I tried, I really did, but then I read the info on my order--set to arrive 5/10-5/13!!!!! How is anyone supposed to wait that long, huh???!!? So, clutching my list of most sensitive tests, I rushed in to my ubiquitous conglomerate drug store.

I knew I would be doing this on the way home, so didn't pee for like six hours. Just to make sure the HCG was good and concentrated.

Alas, no dice. Even tried again this am. But I'm theorhetically only 7 DPO, counting O day itself. So, there's still a chance. We'll see. I'll test again, lets say Sat am. Deal? Deal.

PS--really freaking tired this morning, and still coughing. Arg.

Wednesday, May 4


for the PG tests I ordered. Its more painful waiting for them than testing! Arg!!! I have no patience, how am I supposed to wait 9 mos for a baby????

Got sick last night--very bizarre. I think I just ate too much, though the DH was so cute "Are you pregnant???? You threw up--that means you are, right???" Ha, I wish. Though, I've been extremely tired today....hmmm. Could just be a product of staying up too late. Kind of crampy maybe not.

THIS is hysterical....

daddytypes was reporting on reports on the viability of episiotomies. As his sources seem to mention, they're not recommended anymore, as I also read in Fearless Pregnancy (review coming soon). According to Fearless, once cut, the perineum actually has a higher tendency to tear, and further, all the way to the anus. Non-cut perineums don't tear as far. Like the cut gives it a headstart...

Hysterically, he included a link to an Episiotomy Suturing Simulator. Hilarious! Women have always wanted to be creative about how to tell their DHs the news--I'm thinking I might go this route!!! Though, I may go with the Right Mediolateral for effect. Heck, maybe I'll just break down and buy all three--I can use them w/the Grandparents!

PS--is our bung-hole really only that big? I swear it seems huge sometimes!!!

Tuesday, May 3

Tomorrow's my Birthday!!!!

Yipee! 5th annual 25th birthday (so 29). Very excited, but I feel old :(.

Had friends over last night, drank like a fish. Nice, think I'm pregnant, and I still have 4+ glasses of wine anyway. Whatever.

Ordered PG tests from drugstore dot com yesterday. Got the Answer Early Results, which is posted in places as measuring 25mIU/mg. Couldn't find any of the 20s.

Stopped my medication Saturday--was down to 12.5 mg/day. Friday was my last dose. Saturday felt okay, but Sunday and yesterday, the dizziness was really really bad. It seems to be a little better today, much better actually. So maybe by Friday it will be gone. Yipee!

Monday, May 2

SO???? Am I pregnant or what????

SO. The last time we did the BD was last Tuesday. Looking at the calendar below, (See "Neat Trick") I ovulated on Friday. Hmm, that is a bit of a stretch, even if we're just hoping for a girl--Shettle's says 2.5-3 days is the last time. Does O day count as part of that or no?? Arg!! Does BD day count or no???? Ack!!!

Well--I guess I just have to wait and see. But how soon can I's the scoop on Hcg--what all those home pregnancy tests check.

From Conceiving concepts--HCG stands for human chorionic gonadotropin. Looks like it is secreted by the "trophoblast" (I assume the fertilized egg, right?) after actual fertilization (huh, I had thought it was only secreted after implantation--this is why I'm not a doctor! :) ). It says it doesn't show up in urine until "as early as" 10 days from conception, which is 1-2 days *after* implantation.

So, assuming I ovulated on Friday (4/29), and actually fertilized that day, I'm only on day 4 from conception (w/4/29 as day 1). Hmm, so maybe a little early to tell? I wonder what HCG levels are like at this stage....let's keep reading.

HCG is measured in milli-international units per millimeter (mIU/ml). Hmm, HCG is detectable in blood "as early as seven or eight days" after ovulation--"by very sensitive" tests. Again--I'm 4 days and counting. Arg.

Blood tests apparently can catch greater than 2 mIU/ml. And apparently HCG levels double every 2-3 days (72 hours) in early pregnancy. 0-1 week after *conception* is 0-50 mIU/ml expected HCG level. At 14 days after *ovulation* average is 48 mIU/ml. I'm currently only 4 days past either (in theory).

Hmmm, from babyhopes the various tests' sensitivities are:

Sensitivities checked with manufacturers in February 2005
Test Name Lowest hCG detected

AimStick Pregnancy Test Strip 20 mIU
AccuHome Midstream Pregnancy Test 25 mIU
Answer Early Result Pregnancy Test 25 mIU
Answer Pregnancy Test (Cup) 25 mIU
Clearblue +/- 25 mIU
Clearblue Digital 25 mIU
Confirm 1-Step Pregnancy Test 25 mIU
Equate Pregnancy Test 25 mIU
First Response Early Result Pregnancy Test 25 mIU
One Step Be Sure Pregnancy Test 25 mIU
Precise Pregnancy Test (doctors office) 25 mIU
Quickview Pregnancy Test (doctors office)25 mIU
Walgreen Digital 25 mIU
e.p.t. Home Pregnancy Test 40 mIU
Fact Plus Pregnancy Test 40 mIU
CVS Cartridge Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
CVS Midstream Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
Dollar Store Brand Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
Drug Emporium Brand Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
e.p.t. + / - Test 50 mIU
e.p.t. Certainty Digital Test 50 mIU
early Pregnancy test 50 mIU
RiteAid Brand Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
Target Brand Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
WalMart Brand Pregnancy Test 50 mIU
Walgreens Pregnancy Test 100 mIU

So, lowest sensitivity is 20 it looks like. Which I *might* have by now, maybe. Maybe not. I'm at 4 days, its detectable in blood 7-8 days after O. Arg. Maybe I'll just buy some just to have something to DO.